


caught up in the waves

by natromanoffs



Category: Victorious (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, jade has feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:00:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21568030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natromanoffs/pseuds/natromanoffs
Summary: jade's just gotten back from her nozu "date" with tori and she's feeling impossibly overwhelmed
Relationships: Andre Harris & Jade West
Comments: 6
Kudos: 43





	caught up in the waves

Having to date Tori in the play was whatever. It was clearly acting, and Jade was a damn good actor.

But. The “date” Sikowitz set up for her and Tori was… more than whatever. When Sikowitz explained what it was, she’d tried her best to make a run for it. Her flight response kicked in with full force. But she’d been forced to stay. And Tori kept calling it a date.

Jade knew that anyone who looked over and saw them would assume they were just friends.

But Tori had talked to the waiter and referred to Jade as her date and Jade’s body was having the most visceral reaction.

There was more to the night: the dumbass boys, Tori calling her pretty and meaning it, etc. That was all okay. Jade could tear a boy to shreds any day of the week.

But, god, Jade never knew the word “date” could make her feel so panicky.

\--

When she finally gets home it’s 1am. It’s only then, in the seclusion of her room, that she allows herself to feel it, to react. As soon as she shuts her door her body begins shaking. She sinks to the floor, feeling nausea overcome her. All the panic and all the fear hits her, hard. She hastily grabs her phone and starts blasting out some dumb rock tune to cover up the sound of her gasping breaths.

All she wants to do is talk to Beck about it. It’s pathetic. They’ve been broken up for a few weeks now, so she really should be adjusting. She hates to think about how dependent on him she was. Is. But he’s the only one who knew.

She thinks about how nice it would be to go over to his place. To sit in the middle of the floor of his RV and let herself just feel it all. And he’d be there, a warm body to lean against. The one person who knew what she was going through.

A couple of minutes pass, and it eases up a bit, but she’s still got buzzing all throughout her body. She needs that warm body, it’s her goddamn coping mechanism at this point. Without it, it’s gonna be a whole different story. And she’s got to get a hold of it, can’t show up to school still a shaky mess.

She can’t tell anyone. It’s not that they would judge her, really. It’s not the sort of thing they’re prejudiced about. It’s just not something she tells people.

She thinks. She needs someone. Who could she go to? Who could she tell, if she had to?

Because she might have to, she realizes. If she wants that comfort of a warm body she’s going to have to open up. But to who?

Not Tori. She doesn’t hate Tori, contrary to popular belief. Doesn’t even dislike her, really. But she’s certainly not the person Jade wants to go to. Yes, Tori provided a good helping hand that one time she broke up with Beck. But that was a while ago. And this is altogether different. Besides, Tori’s kind of the reason for this freak-out in the first place.

She thinks of Cat next. She loves Cat. Honest to god, really, truly loves her. But Cat is different. She wouldn’t understand, Jade thinks, or if she did, she wouldn’t know how to react.

There’s Robbie. Maybe that’s not the worst option. She torments Robbie, sure, but she’s always had a little bit of a soft spot for him. There’s something about how fucked up he is that makes her protective. She’d never act like she cares about him to his face. But if he needed help, real help, she’d find a way to get it to him. Still, talking to Robbie about this topic is… not ideal. She’s not quite sure how he’d respond, but, honestly, she doesn’t want to find out.

That leaves Andre, and Jade knows, has known all along, that without Beck he’s her best option. He’s the only one out of the group that’s really her friend. Cat thinks of Jade as a friend, of course, but the relationship is different. Andre is a friend, a real friend. Maybe the only one Jade’s really got.

So she texts him.

**where are you?**

No reasoning provided. There’s no way she’ll even hint at what’s going on over text. He replies almost instantly.

**at gmas**

She hesitates. It’s fine, she tells herself, he’s probably free. Jade knows the next step would be to ask him if she could come over. But texting that: ‘can i come over?’ It’s not gonna happen. Her fingers hover over the keyboard for a second, but she can’t. Asking that just sounds too totally vulnerable. Worrying about being vulnerable right now is so dumb, because she’s literally just wanting to rest her shaking body against someone. As if that isn’t the most vulnerable thing in the world. Still, she can’t bring herself to send the text.

She drives to his grandma’s house. She tries to think of how to word it, tries to rehearse it in her head. Just act like you’re acting, she tells herself, it’s just like a play. But it isn’t. It really isn’t. It’s her and it’s personal and she can’t pretend that it isn’t.

She takes a few moments outside of the door. Takes some deep breaths. She’ll get a hold of herself for now. No need for Andre’s grandmother to see her like this.

She rings the doorbell, and curses at herself while she waits for an answer. Is this really her life right now? Standing on a doorstep waiting and desperate. It’s unlike her.

Andre opens the door. “Hey,” he says.

She walks into the living room without being invited in. Glances around.

“Oh, my grandma’s already asleep,” he says.

“How’s she doing?” Jade asks. She lets her voice be soft and sincere. It’s warranted here.

“Not well,” Andre says. “It’s been really bad lately. I didn’t want to have her alone for the night.”

Jade nods.

“I know she needs to be in a home. She needs to be with doctors and nurses who know how to handle this. Cause, obviously the meds they have her on aren’t working. But she doesn’t do well with changes of scenery. She gets really confused. And I know she needs to go to a home, I know that, but I know what that move is gonna put her through, and I can’t bring myself to make her go through that.”

He sighs.

“It’s hard,” she says.

He nods. “Really hard.”

There’s a moment of silence. It says something about their friendship that they’re able to talk about things like this. Real things.

“So,” Andre says. “What’s up?”  
  


And Jade’s still got a grip on it, but she feels her heart begin to pound into oblivion. She takes a hopefully imperceptible deep breath. Tells herself to get the words together.

“You should sit down,” she says.

He does. “Is this bad news? That usually means it’s really bad news.”

And she’s talking before she can organize her words. “It’s not bad. Hopefully. Maybe it is. I…”

God, she’s babbling. _Get a goddamn grip._

“Okay,” he says.

“I think I should tell you something,” she says. And the words are right there, on her tongue. _I’m bisexual._ She has them prepared. She can say them. It’s the scariest thing in the world but she has to say them if she wants to get that comfort that she so desperately needs.

And she finds herself thinking about Beck again. Because she knows if she came knocking at his door, if she let herself breakdown in front of him, he’d pull her to his chest no questions asked. But he’s the one who wasn’t happy with their relationship. He’s the one who ended things. And she’s not going to go crawling back to him. She’s better than that, she’s stronger than that.

So this is what she has to do. She has to tell Andre.

“It’s not a bad thing, I don’t think.” She’s stalling. “But it’s something that I haven’t talked about. With you. And I think that… I don’t think you’ll mind. But it’s something that.. That I’m not used to saying. And it..”

But the words are fucking stuck in her throat. All she has to do is say two words. It’s two words. She can do it, right? Two words can’t have her this tripped up.

“Do you want to tell me?” Andre asks.

It sends another wave of panic over her. She’s not sure what he means by the question. Nothing’s at face value at this point.

“I don’t know,” she says, honestly. “I think that I have to.”

“Okay,” he says.

She opens her mouth, but no words come out. She runs her hands through her hair. Takes a deep breath. It’s just two words. “I’m…” She swallows. She feels a little like she might cry. And she’s losing her grip. Soon, she’s gonna come collapsing down whether she likes it or not.

“You don’t have to tell me,” he says. “I mean, I don’t know what it is. If it’s something you have to tell me then you can. But maybe you don’t have to.”

He pauses for a minute and just looks at her.

“Did something happen tonight?”

She sighs, lets her shoulders sag. Maybe she doesn’t have to tell him. “It.. Kind of. I mean, it’s not that anything bad happened.” Okay. She doesn’t have to tell him. Just pull something together. She just has to tell him something. A bit of it. So he understands. “Okay,” she says. Takes a deep breath. Perceptible this time. “Something happened tonight that brought up something for me. Something that I… have trouble with.” And she leaves it at that.

“Okay,” he says. “Do you want to sit down?”

And her voice is terribly small, but she asks: “Can I?”

He nods.

And she sits next to him. Apart enough that they aren’t touching. But if she shifted just a little, they would be.

And she has to do it. She knows what she needs. And she needs to man up and ask for it.

“Can I…” and her chest is in her throat and her body’s shaking ever so slightly.

He meets her question with one of his own. “Do you want me to put my arm around you?”

And it’s at that moment she knows that she picked the right person to go to. If it were Robbie asking that question, it would be charged with Robbie’s weird romantically frustrated touch starved energy. And it’s not something that Tori or Cat would ask. But somehow, Andre gets her, at least enough to make a step in the right direction.

She nods. And he does. And she lets her shoulders sort of fall against him.

And, fuck it. Maybe she’s past the point of asking for permission.

She cups her hands over her face and lets it hit. She’s not crying, but she knows her face is expressing more than she’s comfortable with him seeing.   
  


But it’s not as if her body doesn’t tell a similar story. Her whole body’s shaking like an earthquake, and the panic is coming in waves. It’s the panic from earlier mixed with the newly added panic of trying to voice the hardest words for her to say.

She doesn’t know how Andre’s reacting, and she doesn’t have the capacity to determine it right now. Her body, her mind, they’re completely overwhelmed.

It takes at least two full minutes of panic before her body starts to slow down. She takes her hands off of her face and breathes. It’s only then that she realizes that Andre’s got both arms around her now, holding her to his chest. And to her utter horror a tear slips down her cheek. And she does everything to try to stop it from happening, but she’s so exhausted that she doesn’t have the energy. She begins to cry. It’s not sobbing, it’s slower. And it doesn’t make a sound. So she tells herself that Andre doesn’t notice.

They sit like that for hours. To the point where she’s uncomfortably stiff.

Andre breaks the silence. “Sorry,” he says, “I need to adjust or stretch or something.” Lets his arms go slack around her.

She sits up. She thinks to herself that her makeup’s probably a mess at this point, a clear sign that she’s been crying.

But she sees his sky-blue shirt has smudges of black eyeliner on it now and she realizes he’s noticed all along.

It’s a nice shirt too, now ruined. “I…” she starts. Sorry isn’t a common word in her vocabulary.

“S’all good,” he says, and she knows they’re on the same page.

She runs her hands through her hair. “I should go, probably. What time even is it?”

He checks his phone. “Four a.m. Might not be worth it at this point.”

“Yeah,” she says. “Okay.”

And she leans against his warm body for the rest of the night.

**Author's Note:**

> feeling v caught up in victorious feelings lately. & maybe i'm projecting but that's beside the point. anyway. jade west means the world to me :']


End file.
